Edmund

Its the end of term 1 already and I can already smell my Bangkok trip approaching.

Its been a tough term for me and I keep feeling damm tired. I wanna sleep and not have to worry about waking up on time. Reservist is coming and I have mixed feelings about it. A part of me is happy to be having a moni break from work. Another part is worried about the aftermath or clearing the work that I have to do after being away for 3 weeks. I feel kind of confused...

Today I am still aching all over from yesterday's cross country run. Only 3 km plus and I ache like siao. Aiyo...

There's a saying that to make the horse drink water, we must make it thirsty. In our school. the horse is used to being fed...

Its week 6 and I'm at my wits end to how to make the horse thirsty (in particular my sports class). The horse dreams of drinking but does not seem to be sipping water. Dripping the horse seems like a good idea but there's a limit to how much water can go in.

Whipping the horse too hard may be a bad idea as the horse may just decide to die. I can see the drought coming soon and the water will be gone soon as the horse will have to start moving soon but without water the horse may die!!

I think its a sad thing to watch the horse chose to die

I booked a holiday for June!!!! I guess its one of those crazy things you do when you are stressed...

I booked my holiday and it feels damm good!!! Whoo Hooo!!!

Prelim 2 during he holidays... Wha ha ha ha ha!!!

Its been 5 weeks into the term (oh man I'm half way into the term) and I'm feeling very drained and exhausted. Maybe its because my workload this year is kind of heavier as compared to last year (in terms of the number of students I have since one of my classes only had 7 stuidents last year.) I feel kind of wrecked out and I think I'm in need of rest.

Madness has set in again as I enter 7 day work weeks (since I'm now started my sunday remedials at Dome Cafe again). I feel tired but I still wanna go on.

This year has been more tiring but strangely I feel more energised. After a tiring day, I realise that I have found an outlet for my stress and exhaustion. I have been watching YOUTUBE videos and in particular music videos featuring praise and worship videos when I am exhausted.

Last week I was so wrecked out from typing the lesson notes, etc and I went into YOUTUBE and played the instrumental version of "As the Deer" and I swear that I felt instantly energised. Maybe its this sense of peace and calm that the hymn brings...

The road is long and winding and I know I will get there. I love challenges but I always fear that the challenge will kill me... Sigh...

Its been a long time since I last blogged and its really rare that I find the time to just chill and blog. You know its strange that during the holidays I was always complaining about fatigue and popping panadols into my mouth as if they were candies.

I figured out that maybe just maybe its possible that my blood pressure may be improving slightly due to me learning to control my anxiety and emotions. Its fantastic to be feeling less tired and more energetic.

Oh did I mention that the Os are out and I guess to most seasoned teachers, they can just ask themselves what the big deal is? Personally I was a little relieved although I cannot hide that I am still a bit disappointed for some chaps. No one failed although one idiot spoilt my day. He came to tell me that he did not study for Physics and to tell me he scored a B4. Hmm, I secretly wished he had scored an F9 although I must be mad to want an F9!!! I mean it felt like a slap across my face. Although I cannot say that I was perfect in 2008 but to have someone tell you such a thing is iritating and really sad especially when I feel like I've given my heart and soul to my job. At times like these I always question and ask myself what I've done... The idiot scored 9 points for his L1R5 O Levels (even with a B4 for Physics) and I really felt a bit sickened. Wha Lao, why so tyco ah!

As my colleague pointed out teaching is a thankless job. When students get their good results, they never bother to thank those who have helped them. Well, even our lord was faced with such challenges when he cured ten leppers and only one returned to give thanks. Hey, do not get mistaken, I am not complaining but rather I think its sad that in society, we often forget to give thanks.

Work has been fantastic this year and I dare say I enjoy all 4 classes I step into although there's the ocassional idiot now and then. Maybe thats why I feel so energised even though work is more hectic. I do not expect them to be grateful but I still want to give my best. I've even started my crazy remedials on Sundays for my sports class and I've done two so far and still feel energised. Its the satisfaction of seeing someone make sense of something he has not understood for years. I keep reminding myself to give my best but to reserve time for myself always to just chill...

My most dreaded challenge (sports class) is turning out to be really ok. I hate to think its because I've taken the easy way out by making the weak students drop to combined science (decision made by boss). Though they may be hyper-active etc, I really see a part of me inside some of them. When I look past the fact that they cannot sit still, I begin to see someone in need of help who really wants to study. I have a student who is extremely weak but his eagerness to learn really softens my heart. Although I doubt that he will make an A1 or A2, I just feel I wanna try to help. (Maybe its me just trying to play Mr Incredible again but I am terrified of being burnt out.)

I was never an attentive student in secondary school and I suffered a lot so I guess I do not want them to go through the agony of feeling lost. In fact I think they might just even do better than my 2008 class which is strange. (Today school was close for CNY but I used the Dome cafe for remedial.)

Its the lunar new year and my room is in a mess... Oooo so much for spring cleaning!!!

There comes a time when we often question ourselves again, "What have I done?"

The day started out badly and really shitty of me. Tuesday is the day when my timetable pratically kills me. On top of that some chap decided to vandalise a weighing scale in the Physics lab today and broke it. Sadly to say the blame fell onto my Sports Class as I was informed by the lab Technician... Sian... Scolded them but it feels stupid to have to punish or scold students when majority of them are not at fault. Just beause of one idiot, I need to punish or scold everyone.

I had initially wanted to give them detention but I think I cannot bring myself to punish innocent students involved. I hate to do that I don't want too. I think I wasn't just angry, I was feeling disappointed and jaded. Thoughts of just giving them up crossed my mind all the time...

I was controlling my temper and trying my best to breathe slowly to avoid getting flustered up. Oh boy and then another stupid thing happened. My Physics rep asked me if he could collect the homework tomorrow. I was annoyed as I had extended the deadline and it sounded as if he was shouting at me. Called him downstairs and shouted at him and I think I threatened him with detention. (I hate it when I lose my temper as every ugly side of me will be revealed.)

Think he must have felt a bit upset and I can understand why... So there I was on a Tuesday with no lunch because of all the stupid extra admin and fumming mad and angry. I calmed myself down during the meeting and I called my Physics rep to apologise and believe me I really meant it. I think I over-reacted and I felt guilty the whole afternoon.  

It sucks to be pissed off...

Hmm, its 2009 already and sometimes I know I want to type a new entry in the blog but just feel plain lazy to do so. Well like I said its 2009. Whoo Hoo, another year and more challenges ahead.

School began on a Friday and I seriously wished we could have started on a Monday instead... Haha. its just me feeling a little lazy. New year with new classes. Hmm, this year's deployment for the science department seems better spread out. I started with 5 classes in 2007 when I started but I only had 4 in 2008 and now 2009. New classes for 2009 except for one I followed up from 2008.

With new classes come new challenges. Nothing can ever be the same of course. I cannot expect to do things the same way I did in 2008. Hmm with just 2 Sec 4 classes, I hope that this year's classes will be more managable than last year. There's a saying that you never know what you are asking for until you get it. I now know... At the end of 2008, I boldly asked my boss for the Sec 3 sports class. (I taught them in 2007 when they were in sec 1 and complained so much about how much they "sucked" my blood. Strangely enough when I was no longer teaching them in 2008, I found them more "human" and somehow I believe that having atheletics as my CCA gave me newer perspectives and I think that made me rise up to the challenge of asking to teach them.)

Its strange how things work. Instead of getting the Sec 3 sports class, I was asked to take the Sec 4 sports class instead. (Last class in the level for Physics in 2008... Gulp..). I felt shocked and a little worried... Given the school's push in the O levels year for good results, I know and believe it is a mammoth task ahead. 2008 has been a year when my prayer life suffered a lot due to my poor time management skills... I remembered praying about this mammoth task and praying for guidance. I feel like I've really slapped myself in the face but yet again I secretly know inside my heart that I will relish this challenge of bringing up the "worst" class. I did pray quietly in the staffroom at one corner before anyone came for strength and patience. I prayed very hard for work life balance. I prayed to be strong to accept this "cup" and not burn myself out again. I prayed for "new eyes" to look past their inpecfections and not be bothered by their grades and see them as individuals needing help. Of all these prayers, work life balance is most important. I started on remedial on the first and second day already and the repsonse has been encouraging so far. I don't want any of them from the class to find my blog.

I had a half day of recollection organised for Catholic teachers (organised by Paul) in school on new year's eve and although I did not want to attend, I did and I think a sharing by a teacher from the primary side really touched me in some ways... I felt recharged as brother danker was praying at the end. I felt this sense of hope and this sense of trust that I will find a way through this tough year.

At the beginning of a new term and new year, the challenge for work life balance is before me and I just hope I will survive.

Woke up for church at eight... Damm I'm still sleeping so little during the holidays... Hmm, went for Paul and Se Yean's wedding lunch banquet at 1pm. I was probably the last guest to arrive and ate at a table with only 5 people (Myself, Mr Yeo, Guanzhou the new chinese teacher, Victor and Mun leong) Considering that Mun Leong is a vegetarian, the 4 of us had to eat the food meant for 10 people. I hate to waste stuff so I had more cold dish, 2 bowls of sharks fin (which was very starchy) and double helpings of everything. By the time I reached the noodles I was almost bloated to the point of puking... Oooo, so much for wasting food, now my tummy feels like "shit" and I'm now hungry cos I skipped dinner.